Such a statement, why does it always describe my feelings? I swear I'll be on a role, ready to seize the day, and the slightest lame remark from somebody will fuck everything up and put me in a deep, deep rut.
I beg of whoever reads this... friends, family, please do not do such a thing to me if you have any concern or love for me.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Existence Decay
So, that certain girl that I was a little interested in and who I thought was interested in me, turns out has been dating some dude for quite sometime. It was one of those instances that has happened, again.
The best part is the dude she's dating seems to be sort of a dunce, which definitely makes everything that much better!
Downer after downer, that's all my experience with girls is. I mean, I shouldn't be so hard on myself, she seemed to go along with everything while I was talking about hanging out.
I recall one instance, where the message she sent me on facebook didn't seem right. I know, it's facebook, I'm a total lame motherfucker for exchanging words via facebook, but I swear one particular message she sent didn't fit, and didn't look very... hopeful. I remember getting a text from Lisett right near the end of our breakup which seemed the same way. Weird, maybe it's some weird sixth sense.
Man, and right when I felt my ability to take interest in girls again was coming back...
How shall I celebrate? I should get my mind off of this and just read all day, exist somewhere else.
So who now? I can only hope for one of those situations where some amazing girl comes out of left field and blows me away when I least expect it... but then that contradicts itself entirely.
The best part is the dude she's dating seems to be sort of a dunce, which definitely makes everything that much better!
Downer after downer, that's all my experience with girls is. I mean, I shouldn't be so hard on myself, she seemed to go along with everything while I was talking about hanging out.
I recall one instance, where the message she sent me on facebook didn't seem right. I know, it's facebook, I'm a total lame motherfucker for exchanging words via facebook, but I swear one particular message she sent didn't fit, and didn't look very... hopeful. I remember getting a text from Lisett right near the end of our breakup which seemed the same way. Weird, maybe it's some weird sixth sense.
Man, and right when I felt my ability to take interest in girls again was coming back...
How shall I celebrate? I should get my mind off of this and just read all day, exist somewhere else.
So who now? I can only hope for one of those situations where some amazing girl comes out of left field and blows me away when I least expect it... but then that contradicts itself entirely.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Damaged
I've had a weird feelings lately. I've been into a certain girl lately, and I'm pretty sure she's into me. It's the kind of situation however, where taking it slowly and getting to know the person slowly and not jumping into anything is the best decision. The reason I say this is she may indeed be that kind of girl I would really indeed be into and could definitely be in a strong relationship with her. I've definitely been seeing results from these baby steps, which is something to be happy about.
However it seems like something is missing. Why is she not on my mind as much as girls before that I've had a thing for? Why don't I really go out of my way to hang out with her and make progress come even sooner? I'm certainly attracted to her, and certainly find her personality and likes to be at a high level of radness. Though like I said before, it doesn't feel like situations before.
Could it be that my interest in that other girl before her has somehow damaged me? Could I be looking at the big picture and figuring out whether or not it would last since I'll be gone from ISU all of spring semester and out of the country, thousands of miles away from March until July? It feels like liking and longing for that other girl has indeed damaged me, for there are a few other girls that, while I don't feel the same about as this new girl, are also absent of those crush feelings I tend to have.
Interesting. At this rate, could my interest in women in general slowly fade away into well, no interest at all? Could I become some celibate, bland human shell? Hehe, that's a little far-fetched, I doubt such a thing would happen.
Why does it seem like no woman will ever "wow me" again?
However it seems like something is missing. Why is she not on my mind as much as girls before that I've had a thing for? Why don't I really go out of my way to hang out with her and make progress come even sooner? I'm certainly attracted to her, and certainly find her personality and likes to be at a high level of radness. Though like I said before, it doesn't feel like situations before.
Could it be that my interest in that other girl before her has somehow damaged me? Could I be looking at the big picture and figuring out whether or not it would last since I'll be gone from ISU all of spring semester and out of the country, thousands of miles away from March until July? It feels like liking and longing for that other girl has indeed damaged me, for there are a few other girls that, while I don't feel the same about as this new girl, are also absent of those crush feelings I tend to have.
Interesting. At this rate, could my interest in women in general slowly fade away into well, no interest at all? Could I become some celibate, bland human shell? Hehe, that's a little far-fetched, I doubt such a thing would happen.
Why does it seem like no woman will ever "wow me" again?
Thursday, October 11, 2007
On Coffee Part 1
Yesterday after a refreshing visit to the facilities in the Center of Visual Arts, I decided that a good way to savor the brisk, overcast fall day was to go into a small, ISU food-services cafe known as the Airport Lounge to procure a small cup of coffee. I would gleefully sip this hot cup of joe and briefly reminisce about previous experiences where warm cups of coffee in the cold have felt brilliant, during my brief trek back to my house.
I approached the coffee dispensers, and saw that Seattle's Best offered a Fair-Trade coffee and found that to be pretty rad. I automatically put my cup up to the spout and watched as the warm fluid that promised by sight of it's deep brown color to be utterly delicious poured itself in and settled, ready to receive a tablespoon or two of skim milk and make me smile with it's full, invigorating taste.
I then remembered that I had only one dollar on me, and did not think to use the little amount of money I had on my ISU card. When the register rung a dollar-twentyfour, I opened my wallet, looked puzzled, and asked the girl working the register if she would take debit. "No" is all she said. I replied "Would you take just one dollar?" She looked to an older woman behind her shoulder, who sternly shook her head, turned around and again said only blankfacedly (that's right, blankfacedly) "no". "Well here ya go."
I gave them their coffee back and walked out.
My thoughts afterwards started with "so they'd rather throw out their already poured and potentially sipped product than make the majority of it's price? I mean, people have principles, but give me a break you illogical, bland motherfuckers. And seriously, $1.24 for a small cup of coffee? The Coffeehouse in downtown Normal sells their cups of coffee for 90 cents a pop, and would probably give you it if you only had say, 82 cents."
"You know what? I don't need their stupid corporate coffee anyway, and I certainly don't need to feed any more scratch to ISU than I already have to. I oughta do the thing any self-respecting liberal would do, which is procure a cup of coffee from the Coffeehouse or Coffeehound and throw it in the faces of those Seattle's Best robots at the Airport Lounge!" Ok, so my thoughts didn't exactly come about as thus, but nevertheless, fuck them, their lame business-oriented principles, and their corporate supplier.
No, I didn't blow thing that much out of proportion, I'd like to add that there's nothing wrong with adding a little comedy.
Luckily I've got a bag of ground Fair-Trade waiting for me in the freezer the day such an event happens again. You won this time Airport Lounge, but next time I shall prevail!
I approached the coffee dispensers, and saw that Seattle's Best offered a Fair-Trade coffee and found that to be pretty rad. I automatically put my cup up to the spout and watched as the warm fluid that promised by sight of it's deep brown color to be utterly delicious poured itself in and settled, ready to receive a tablespoon or two of skim milk and make me smile with it's full, invigorating taste.
I then remembered that I had only one dollar on me, and did not think to use the little amount of money I had on my ISU card. When the register rung a dollar-twentyfour, I opened my wallet, looked puzzled, and asked the girl working the register if she would take debit. "No" is all she said. I replied "Would you take just one dollar?" She looked to an older woman behind her shoulder, who sternly shook her head, turned around and again said only blankfacedly (that's right, blankfacedly) "no". "Well here ya go."
I gave them their coffee back and walked out.
My thoughts afterwards started with "so they'd rather throw out their already poured and potentially sipped product than make the majority of it's price? I mean, people have principles, but give me a break you illogical, bland motherfuckers. And seriously, $1.24 for a small cup of coffee? The Coffeehouse in downtown Normal sells their cups of coffee for 90 cents a pop, and would probably give you it if you only had say, 82 cents."
"You know what? I don't need their stupid corporate coffee anyway, and I certainly don't need to feed any more scratch to ISU than I already have to. I oughta do the thing any self-respecting liberal would do, which is procure a cup of coffee from the Coffeehouse or Coffeehound and throw it in the faces of those Seattle's Best robots at the Airport Lounge!" Ok, so my thoughts didn't exactly come about as thus, but nevertheless, fuck them, their lame business-oriented principles, and their corporate supplier.
No, I didn't blow thing that much out of proportion, I'd like to add that there's nothing wrong with adding a little comedy.
Luckily I've got a bag of ground Fair-Trade waiting for me in the freezer the day such an event happens again. You won this time Airport Lounge, but next time I shall prevail!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
On Children Of Men
I saw Children Of Men in the theaters when it came out and I found it to be a solid film, there wasn't really anything I would deem shady or just in general not well done.
Yesterday evening I watched it again and my opinion did not change. There is one major aspect of the film I would like to discuss which I found thoroughly perplexing, and that is life in a shallow post-consumer society.
Today, we citizens of Western societies are surrounded by consumerism. Whether it be what we watch on T.V., what catches our attention, our financial decisions, our fulfilling of a certain image, whatever. I have learned, and thoroughly agree with, the idea that there is becoming less and less space for individual and creative thought and that consumerism is the culprit. Whether it be the slogan "Don't ask why, try Bud dry"( a slogan one of my professors seems thoroughly disgusted with, but maybe I'll share some insight on that later), the amount of ads that are shoved in our faces on a daily basis, etc. These are all merely distractions.
Children of Men sort of suggests a hypothesis about the future; people are distracted on an immense scale due to billboards on every street corner, televisions in every room of every building, commercials of people smiling and having the time of their lives, etc. In a way, this could be the U.S. and every society in the world someday. The world around could go to shit due to the lack of creative and individual thought and what we are left with is mass consumerism and anything artificial to preoccupy and sedate us.
What we will be preoccupied and sedated from is unclear, it could be infertility like the movie, it could be governments abusing their power, it could be a lack of anything that the human race cherishes or needs to survive.
I could explain this further, but whoever reads this probably has an idea of what I'm getting at. I shall jump ahead to the moral of this little soap box announcement, and say what I think could prevent such a situation. Bullet points shall do nicely.
-Money isn't everything
-Clothes aren't everything
-Big houses are simply illogical
-Cars aren't everything
-Our dependency on foreign oil and oil in general could indeed be our fatal flaw
-Fulfilling a certain image certainly isn't everything
-Picking up a book and reading it is everything
-Having at the very least a decent grasp of politics is everything
-Being open minded and trying new things is everything
If I think of more, I shall post it up. A world without creative and individual thought is something I do not want to be a part of.
Yesterday evening I watched it again and my opinion did not change. There is one major aspect of the film I would like to discuss which I found thoroughly perplexing, and that is life in a shallow post-consumer society.
Today, we citizens of Western societies are surrounded by consumerism. Whether it be what we watch on T.V., what catches our attention, our financial decisions, our fulfilling of a certain image, whatever. I have learned, and thoroughly agree with, the idea that there is becoming less and less space for individual and creative thought and that consumerism is the culprit. Whether it be the slogan "Don't ask why, try Bud dry"( a slogan one of my professors seems thoroughly disgusted with, but maybe I'll share some insight on that later), the amount of ads that are shoved in our faces on a daily basis, etc. These are all merely distractions.
Children of Men sort of suggests a hypothesis about the future; people are distracted on an immense scale due to billboards on every street corner, televisions in every room of every building, commercials of people smiling and having the time of their lives, etc. In a way, this could be the U.S. and every society in the world someday. The world around could go to shit due to the lack of creative and individual thought and what we are left with is mass consumerism and anything artificial to preoccupy and sedate us.
What we will be preoccupied and sedated from is unclear, it could be infertility like the movie, it could be governments abusing their power, it could be a lack of anything that the human race cherishes or needs to survive.
I could explain this further, but whoever reads this probably has an idea of what I'm getting at. I shall jump ahead to the moral of this little soap box announcement, and say what I think could prevent such a situation. Bullet points shall do nicely.
-Money isn't everything
-Clothes aren't everything
-Big houses are simply illogical
-Cars aren't everything
-Our dependency on foreign oil and oil in general could indeed be our fatal flaw
-Fulfilling a certain image certainly isn't everything
-Picking up a book and reading it is everything
-Having at the very least a decent grasp of politics is everything
-Being open minded and trying new things is everything
If I think of more, I shall post it up. A world without creative and individual thought is something I do not want to be a part of.
Halving the Compass
So after having somewhat of a small revelation at last week's party, I came to the conclusion that things will work out. I'll always be a little depressed from time to time, I guess that's just how life goes. However, there's stuff to look forward to and I've got a lot to be thankful for. I also had quite the kickass weekend and did really well at the last Chicago VW Organization Auto-cross.
Speaking of Auto-x, did I mention I did really well at last weekend's? After feeling pretty confident about my maneuvers and times I asked a seasoned vet by the name of Conrad (interesting dude, ex-Marine/seems like a hard-ass but is actually a very nice, friendly guy) if he could ride along with me and see where I could improve. After the run, he said I did everything well, and that I should just enter a slalom a different way and try to get a little more speed in the sweepers. So the way I interpreted this, is I was doing pretty much everything my slow car would allow. That was a major confidence booster. My times dropped and I was quite content. When I make my car handle a little better and make it a little faster, I'm sure I'll see better results.
I've learned something over the past couple of months. Things work out. It may take a while and it may come in different forms that you don't expect, but they eventually work out. I can't think of an example of where this doesn't apply, perhaps there are a few, but for the most part things work out.
Speaking of Auto-x, did I mention I did really well at last weekend's? After feeling pretty confident about my maneuvers and times I asked a seasoned vet by the name of Conrad (interesting dude, ex-Marine/seems like a hard-ass but is actually a very nice, friendly guy) if he could ride along with me and see where I could improve. After the run, he said I did everything well, and that I should just enter a slalom a different way and try to get a little more speed in the sweepers. So the way I interpreted this, is I was doing pretty much everything my slow car would allow. That was a major confidence booster. My times dropped and I was quite content. When I make my car handle a little better and make it a little faster, I'm sure I'll see better results.
I've learned something over the past couple of months. Things work out. It may take a while and it may come in different forms that you don't expect, but they eventually work out. I can't think of an example of where this doesn't apply, perhaps there are a few, but for the most part things work out.
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